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Big Dog Collar
The Great Big Dog Collar Escapade
The big dog collar is a daily ritual of annoyance,
frustration, and terror for the dog owner. The process
is relatively simple: remove Fido from his cage, place
the big dog collar on him, clip on a leash, and enjoy
the tranquil evening strolling through the beautiful
serene landscape.
Fido is more likely to be voted prime minister than to
make this ritual easy. His owner made his fatal flaw
when he kept him caged. Like the mischievous teen
shaking his sisters soda can, Fido has no vent for his
extra energy. Fido is ready to reach orbit.
I have seen dolphin trainers at the marina teach a
dolphin to rapidly swim around the tank, gracefully leap
into the air, and deftly pass through a hoop scarcely
bigger than themselves. The principle is, of course, the
same with the big dog collar, though in practice it is
exponentially more difficult.
The owner believes he can rapidly slip the big dog
collar around his neck before he can free himself from
the cage. However, the owner failed to take the fur
factor into account. Though Fido is 100 pounds of dog,
only 3 pounds counts as body weight; the rest is hair.
The dog dodges the owners initial grab and begins to
run around the house possibly hoping to turn the
earths orbit backwards like Superman did and thus avoid
the early morning caging. The owner, thinking like the
dolphin trainer, will hold the big dog collar at arms
length, allowing the pooch to intelligently slip his
head into the big dog collar.
This also does not happen. Even if Fido held a large
enough IQ to do this, hes running so fast that hes
seeing things that happened five minutes ago. The only
saving grace in this situation is that eventually Fido
will remember the daily caging and realize that he has
not used the restroom all day. Soon, he transforms from
Buzz Aldrin to Bojangles and begins to dance around the
door.
The owner believes this is another opportunity for the
big dog collar. At this point, the possibility of
slipping the big dog collar on Fido while he dances
frantically is like trying to give a back rub to an eel.
To complicate matters, Fido has now begun a countdown
until he leaves a puddle on the floor.
With time against him, the owner believes that he can
place the big dog collar on Fido while they open the
door just a crack. However, the 97 pounds of hair
comes in handy again while Fido slips through the door,
jamming his owners hand into the frame and knocking the
big dog collar loose as he takes off through the
neighborhood.
The dejected owner grabs the big dog collar in one hand
as he slowly strides after the bullet previously called
Fido. His frustrated sigh is cut short as a scream of
pain radiates from the hand holding the big dog collar.
Stupid invisible fence, he mutters.
About the Author
Abe Gardea is a full-time freelance writer and a
regular contributor to http://www.my-dog-collar.com
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